A Trip Down Technology Lane
by mecrazyfang
Summary: Uchiha Itaichi sat in his chair, experimenting with a new Jutsu for his Sharingan. Funny... Nobody ever told him he could download Anime with it, before.
1. Enter Uchiha Itaichi

Chapter 1 – Enter Uchiha Itaichi

Uchiha Itachi was a methodical man. He would research a topic, find a conclusion, and formulate a plan. Before acting, he would re-assess his options repeatedly. When his decision had been made, it was final.

Thus, as he entered the secret tunnels of the Uchiha Compound, he knew, without doubt, that this was the correct choice.

Senju Tsunade. Bound by precise chakra-sapping metal coils.

Jiraiya no Sennin. Drugged to remove all chakra control, held down by three women.

Mitarashi Anko. Sent Orochimaru's Akatsuki ring.

Uchiha Sasuke. A picture of Shimura Danzo's right arm.

None of these people would pose threat, though their arrangements had been troubling to procure. In the end, these precautions would be required.

More simplistic resolutions were found for the rest.

Sarutobi Hiruzen. A faint smile, and directions.

Yamanaka Ino. A few words about being Sasuke's elder brother.

Akimichi Chouji. A plate of beef, and promise to cause no harm.

Nara Shikamaru. Itachi asked politely.

Aburame Shino. Threatened with an empty can of bug spray.

Inuzuka Kiba. A fifty ryo dare.

Hyuuga Hinata. The promise of a counter-seal to the mark that enslaved half of her clan.

Haruno Sakura. Patented Uchiha sex appeal (tm).

Uzumaki Naruto. 'Hokage-sized' bowl of ramen.

Hatake Kakashi. Clothed in explosive tags.

Yuuhi Kurenai. Bound by grape vines. Illusion, of course.

Sarutobi Asuma. Weapons confiscated, lighter and cigarettes given.

Maito Gai. Written promise of explanation.

As a result of his cautious planning, the rest of the pieces fell into place.

Hyuuga Neji. Ordered to come along, by the clan heir. Probably a test subject.

Tenten. Followed Tsunade, her childhood idol.

Rock Lee. Dragged by the ear.

Subaku no Gaara. Kidnapped by Anko.

Subaku no Temari. Chased Anko

Subaku no Kankuro. Dragged by the ear.

Kirabi. The Sandaime Hokage called in a debt in Kumo.

Hoshigaki Kisame. Partners in Akatsuki, partners in everything else.

Itachi set up the projector, holding down the urge to laugh maniacally.

On days like this, he felt, almost, glad to be a missing nin.

How else could one discover the internet?

_Go watch the first episode of Naruto – the AnimeOne Subtitled set is what I'm using for this._

"Itachi-kun. Why have you returned?" Hiruzen inquired. His face was passive, expressing only mild concern.

The elder Uchiha smiled, his lips thin and pale, holding back uproarious laughter. "Six years ago, I was ordered to destroy the Uchiha clan, and prevent their movement towards civil war. I relinquished my family, for the sake of the village. Now, I act once more, to prevent peril."

Sasuke slumped down. The Hokage was nodding...The Uchiha planned a coup? Itachi was innocent? Sasuke was driven by revenge, but not yet blinded by it. He concluded his brother to be telling the truth...But...How the hell could he accept it?

Allowing for a moment of silence, Itachi clipped a wire to the side of his head, connected to a projector.

"Five thousand years from now, the world we live in is but a fictional tale, enjoyed by many, and believed by none. Somehow, through highly advanced technology, they have captured scenes of our future, and displayed them to the public, for their own amusement...Through the power of my Sharingan, I have procured this information, and will now show you all what will happen, should no action be taken."

_Several__minutes__passed,__as__he__clarified__for__the__less__intellectually__gifted – He had a show of them in the future. They were going to watch it._

_Then,__they__watched__the__first__episode__of__Naruto_.

"What does this have to do with me?" Tsunade demanded angrily. Still self-centered, still caught in the past, she had no interest in some stupid brat's plight. Why did this S-ranked criminal care?

And what the hell did he mean, he was ordered to off his clan?

"You come in later. Right now, the famed Legendary Sucker is wasting away at a bar, useless and pathetic."

Itachi wasn't exactly one to sugar-coat things. And, having already seen the whole thing, he was far from impressed by her antics.

Damned if he'd have a lush as Hokage.

Naruto, meanwhile, smiled contentedly. Iruka-sensei acknowledged him as a person...Didn't he?

Not yet, he hadn't learned such a technique.

"Ano, Uchiha-san...If Naruto is the Kyuubi, who are the other eight?" Sakura raised her hand, as if trying to clarify a portion of a textbook.

Kirabi pointed at himself with eight fingers. Subtle.

Gaara showed a '1' in large bold with his sand, over his head. Subtle.

Naruto's face fell. Nobody acknowledged him...

Itaichi pointedly ignored her. "As you can see, we have already uncovered a traitor's plot, and discovered a highly classified secret...What else have we discovered?"

None spoke, for a moment.

And then... "Now we know who really saved Konoha, twelve years ago."

Sasuke was smiling lightly.

Naruto nearly sniffled.

SASUKE, was the first to notice him, to realize that he was a person?

"_Die, Naruto!" Mizuki sent a massive Shuriken flying at the blond._

"Where do I buy Shuriken like that?" Tenten, with no coaching, rewound to the scene with Mizuki attacking Iruka.

Somehow.

"Uchiha clan hack-off. Not legal to buy here, so he must have either had them since my clan was destroyed, or..." Sasuke grumbled darkly, twirling a legitimate, fold-up model.

The women holding Jiraiya down were fascinated by emotionally disturbed teens, and became rather excited. As a result, the man they had pinned down passed out.

Itaichi actually had to struggle to suppress a chuckle. Genjutsu was such fun...

"Maah, Hokage-sama...You think the Iwa border skirmishes will cause any casualties in the near future?" Kakashi pondered.

Posting Mizuki out there, and giving someone orders to start shit up, would deal with the situation cleanly.

"If the Chuunin patrols worry you so, Kakashi, I shall take it upon myself to assist their training efforts...By any means necessary, I will preserve the Flames of Youth!" Gai crowed, flashing a thousand-watt grin.

He preferred to work traitors to the bone, and make them rethink making Maito Gai a foe.

Hiruzen sighed. "We shall see...For the moment, I wish to understand the implications of these foretold events."

Translation: Shut up, and let me think for a minute.

"Ain't it obvious, old man? We get a live test of our security!" Sarutobi Asuma puffed, blasting his father with the fumes. Wind chakra was amusing.

Kurenai cut in. "Additionally, the opportunity arises to garner jutsu from that scroll, without sending a request to your advisors, Hokage-sama. Such a chance is surely worth the effort of inaction..."

After all, a good third of that scroll was filled with nightmare-fuel Genjutsu.

"And I get a new toy to play with..." Anko grinned, sliding closer to her target. "Gaki, with that much chakra, you must have _godly_ stamina."

Naruto blushed.

He wasn't an idiot. He just didn't like textbooks.

Ino, a proud member of the Yamanaka Clan, brought the screen back to show Naruto evading Chuunin – Tenten helped her figure it out.

_Naruto ducked out from under his Camouflage Tarp. "Too Easy."_

"How, exactly, do you pull this shit off? They're goddamn Chuunin - they should have nabbed you in a heartbeat! You aren't even a Genin!"

Chouji laughed. "Naruto always won at 'hide and seek', even the one time he had a limp...I think he's just a natural genius with stealth." then, looking at a spot on his shirt, that, to that day, had yet to wash out, he added "...And traps. Definitely traps."

Shikamaru nodded – though he may have just found it too much effort to hold his head up, at that moment. "The Academy only evaluates knowledge, Ninjutsu, and basic proficiency in weapons. Taijutsu users have to train on their own, even though there are competitive matches. Genjutsu, stealth, trapping, and advanced weapon users are at a disadvantage. As is tradition, things haven't changed, because it hasn't directly killed anyone."

"Don't forget the history lessons. They glorify things that get people killed." Naruto remarked airily, pushing a kunai through the hole of a shuriken. According to stories about the Sandaime Hokage, it was as easy as swinging a sword around, and an effective counter for anything with a hole in it.

Never mind the accuracy and ammo required.

Sakura hit him – harder than usual – and sent him sprawling towards the wall.

"Urusei, kitsune no baka! You wouldn't understand the way we humans do things."

Hiruzen decided, at that moment, to choose a successor. A.S.A.P. He was too old for this shit.

Aburame Shino hesitantly spoke up. "Naruto-san's chakra reserves seem abnormally deep...Why, you ask, do I notice this? A mere Bunshin should not appear sickly, as it is a mere refraction of light, unless absurd amounts of chakra are used. Also, accomplishing enough training to learn a single Jutsu within a handful of hours is generally fatal, as a result of excessive Chakra expenditure."

Gaara just stared at Naruto. He had that much chakra?

Mother would be pleased -

"Doesn't matter." Temari cut into Gaara's psychotic thoughts. "He can't control it, and has practically no training."

Naruto pouted. "It's not my fault they kicked me out when we were learning how to access chakra..."

"You mean you figured it out yourself?" Kankuro demanded, eyes bugging out.

"Yeah..."

Hinata slumped against a wall, blood leaking from her nose.

Jiraiya stopped pretending to be asleep. "What the hell..."

Neji responded, his voice thick with a dry humour. "Congratulations, Naruto-sama. You are now, by Hyuuga custom, wed to Hinata-sama."

Everyone recoiled in shock, except the ever-stoic Uchiha murderer.

He chuckled.

"Wasn't that custom taken out of use a full decade ago?"

"No. People stopped falling for it, and kept to themselves more."

Lee cocked his head to the side, producing a sickening **crack.**

The Branch Hyuuga explained. "There are two forms of chakra control: Practical, and Raw. Practical Chakra Control is taught. All shinobi learn it in the same manner. Raw Chakra Control is much more instinctual. It is a rare trait, originating within the fabled Rikudo Sennin. As such, it indicates tremendous potential power. By Hyuuga tradition, should a member of the Main Branch of the Hyuuga Clan witness, outside of missions, the utilization of Raw Chakra Control, that person shall be engaged to them."

Anko perked up, looking at the shocked, but conscious, Hinata. "Can we share?"

Silence reigned.

The few rebuttals possible, on any side, required a level of comfort with the current situation, and all present were extremely nervous. They were in a room filled with people so freakishly strong, they could, quite literally in at least one case, shatter mountains.

Of course, some people just cannot tolerate awkward silence.

Such as Kirabi.

"Yo, little Nine,

How'd you get no time?

My ass in a bag,

If I give Kumo's monument a tag!"

Kisame, silent up to that point, nodded in agreement, having found common ground with someone. "Back in Kiri, someone painted a pair of breasts on the outer wall of the Fifth Floor...The Mizukage had them quartered and drawn."

"_None of you can do that, can you? But I can! I'm great!" Naruto ran from a group of Chuunin, bucket in hand._

Naruto paled. "Uh, Ji-ji...Thanks for not busting me for last year...Y'know, when I did just that..."

"I never did discover the culprit..." Hiruzen remarked, his eyes twinkling mischeiviously.

As if he had added the rest of the scene.

"...You didn't do that whole picture, did you, Naruto?" Kiba asked slowly, his face frozen in surprise.

"Eh?"

"The picture of...You _didn't_ do it? Holy fuck, Naruto, you painted the tits someone used to gender-bend the fucking Tsuchikage!"

Silence, once more, reigned.

_Yes, this is a Fanfic about the Naruto cast watching the Naruto anime. Yes, Itaichi's Sharingan is absurdly powerful – he never was actually 'beaten' cannonically...Oh, except by a disease. Right. Point being, this honestly isn't much of a stretch for the Sharingan – it can control the demons powerful enough to cleanse the world in a few hours._

_I tweaked this chapter a bit, mostly cosmetics. The next few chapters should look cleaner._


	2. I Am Illiterate

Chapter 2 - I Am Illiterate

The second episode started up.

"Naruto, what the hell?" Ino pointed at the swirls painted on his face on the screen.

"That is _so_ cool! I wanna have my license picture taken like that!" he exclaimed, eyes wide.

"It's impractical."

Naruto pointed to Kakashi's face mask. "That distinguishes him just as much. Paint hides your identity better."

Kakashi blinked. Wow...Did his mask really make him stand out that much?

Gai nodded at him.

"...Damnit..." he whispered.

Tenten shushed them. "Let's see how the Hokage reacts to this!"

Lee pulled on her sleeve, pointing at the Hokage, standing about three feet away. "That is how, Tenten-chan."

Hiruzen was busy slamming his head against a wall.

Sasuke groaned. "This is the Uchiha Compound. Please don't damage the infrastructure."

"I apologise, Sasuke-kun...Let us continue."

He pressed 'play'.

As the scene played out, with the Hokage ordering Naruto to retake his photo, Kisame mumbled "Finally, some common sense..."

Naruto, on the screen, used the Sexy Technique.

"...Never mind." Kisame declared, rummaging through his cloak for some booze.

"...You've got some potential, gaki...A jutsu like that is probably going right in the forbidden scroll, and you aren't even a Genin!" Anko gushed, a feral grin on her face.

Naruto felt like hiding, at that moment, somewhere dark, secluded, and safe. Like the room just down the hall.

Where they probably hid bodies.

"Sorry, Anko-san, but I intend to take him on as a part of my Genin cell, at the end of this school term...And, given that he will need to learn to control the demonic chakra, I believe Hokage-sama would make much the same decision." Kurenai puffed out her chest, proud to link Genjutsu with something as dangerous as the Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki.

Asuma laughed. "Sounds tempting, honestly, but I think he'll end up a bit too much of a handful for me. I'm aiming for the Ino-Shika-Cho trio, so I can focus on on teamwork."

"Wait..." Naruto held up his hands, pointing at Anko. "Back up. What do you mean, 'A Jutsu like that'?"

Sarutobi Hiruzen answered. "An illusion dealing with such a...'Specific'...Field, is usually classified higher, just to dissuade lower ranked Shinobi from taking such missions lightly...That jutsu makes the art of seduction absolute child's play, Naruto, and easy to abuse."

Naruto laughed, outrightly. "Hah, Oji-chan! Shows what you know! That's not even a Genjutsu! It's a -"

"Slow down – Time!

That a crime!

Tradin' a man's chime

For a 'Fuck Me' sign?"

Kirabi pointed to the screen, still frozen on a very much female, and not at all clothed, Naruto.

The room was suddenly very.

Very.

Quiet.

...

"Mother doesn't want your blood. She says idiocy tastes like birch." Gaara deadpanned, his eye twitching.

What the hell was 'birch'?

"You should be grateful." Temari chirped, suddenly beside Kirabi.

"Shukaku thinks you're too stupid to kill." Kankuro tagged on, standing on his other side.

"And hopefully," they chorused "Idiocy is contagious."

As the noise died down, yet again, the episode continued where it left off, with Naruto trying to convince the Hokage to let him keep his absurd picture.

And, as Konohamaru, the Sandaime's would-be assassin, accused Naruto of tripping him, Sakura politely paused it, examining the last ten seconds.

"...What's she doing, Shika?" Chouji had acquired a bag of popcorn, and was heating it with a Fire Jutsu.

"...I think she's looking for proof that Naruto tripped that brat."

"That 'brat' is my Nephew...He's the Hokage's Grandson." Asuma pointed out nonchalantly, smoking inside.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "I don't really see the resemblance..."

"Yeah," Chouji agreed "No cigarette."

The Hokage, trying to light his pipe on the other side of the room, twitched slightly. Damn kids.

Sasuke slowly walked towards the controls, and gently hit 'play', stopping Sakura's absurd search. "He just tripped on his scarf, and blamed it on someone else."

As the scene said – through the medium of a yelling blond.

"...The hell? Twenty ambushes in a day?" Kankuro was incredulous.

"Yes...He's quite a handful..."

"Sir, with all due respect..." the Suna Genin began "...Gaara gets that before breakfast. He's more popular than you."

And thus did the next scene begin, with Hiruzen faceplanting firmly, in greeting his grandson calling Naruto 'Oyabun'.

"...But I'm the boss around here..." he whimpered, to nobody in particular.

Within the next thirty seconds, Kiba slammed down on 'pause' viciously.

"Chaotora? Fucking Brown Tiger? Really, man?" Kiba laughed. "Fucking Chaotora?"

Naruto angrily unpaused it, glaring kunai.

Literally.

"No throwing weapons in my house!" Sasuke barked.

As Naruto led the grandson of the Hokage into a porn store, Kiba lost the will to stay quiet.

"...Seriously, man...Where did you learn Kanji?"

Naruto pointed at the screen. "That guy."

"...You learned to read, from the owner of a store that only sells Erotica?" Tenten asked, blushing.

Apparently, she had been to that store before.

"Yeah. He said something like 'Old enough to kill my wife, old enough to browse my wares. And buy something before you leave'...When I didn't know what the titles were, he read them out for me."

Sasuke, noting that this man believed Naruto to be the Kyuubi, was torn. Thank him, for teaching Naruto?

Harm him, for idiocy?

"Wait...He just read out the titles?" Ino prodded.

Naruto simply nodded.

"...How the fuck does that work? There's no way to grasp the full grammatical sense of our language with a few phrases, since most of them have multiple meanings!"

He looked down, embarrassed. "I don't really 'read'...I just kinda pick out the bits I recognize, and guess..."

Ino just blinked. Why did he still want to be a Shinobi, if he couldn't read, and everyone disliked him?

Wait... "You...Can't read...Illiteracy...K'so! Naruto, don't you dare become a Chuunin before I make Jounin!"

Confused glances abounded, and Neji sighed. "...More Clan politics."

Naruto sighed. His life was never simple...Stretching out, he put the episode back on.

Konohamaru and his new tutor were thrown out of the Hot Springs, in short order.

"...Do you seriously do that, dude?" Kiba asked.

"...Research for my Jutsu." he defended himself, drawing into a ball.

Hinata blushed, partly in outrage, and partly at the thought that, perhaps, he already knew about about -

Ino was distracted from her death-walk towards Naruto, as she had to move a comatose Hinata to a more comfortable position.

"...Is she okay?" Naruto asked.

Everyone turned back to the screen, refusing to answer him.

By the time Naruto's secret technique, the Harem no Jutsu, was unveiled, Hinata had awakened, and been filled in quickly.

"...Okay, Naruto, that is absolutely perverted..." Ino began, sitting beside him "...But it's so awesome, I can't bring myself to feel offended."

She moved to Sasuke's side, leaving a smoldering kiss on the Jinchuuriki's cheek.

'She...She acknowledged me, too...'

"To be able to recieve the title of Hokage, which everyone will look up to. And the fact that there is no shortcut to become one."

The room was unusually silent.

Few could fathom how Naruto, of all people, could say something that sounded so...

"...Cool..." Ino whispered, smiling.

She still felt that Sasuke needed emotional support, to get through the trauma of losing his family, but...Naruto would be a loyal comrade. She was sure of it.

But Kami help him if he tried to peep on her.


	3. Sakura and Sanity - Friends or Foes?

_I've been having trouble finding a Beta-Reader. This makes me sad. Seriously, that little interest in the story? I asked over a dozen people, and didn't even get a _single_ response!_

_I've already got nearly ten chapters written up in advance, so this one isn't going to die off any time soon. Back to regular updates, now that I have 'net access again._

_PM me if you're interested in giving future chapters a once-over. I could really use the help, making sure my character development stays consistent for this one._

Chapter 3 – Sakura and Sanity – Friends or Foes?

Itaichi insisted that, before they take a break, they watch the third episode. Jiraiya insisted Chouji share some popcorn, and that the women get the hell off him, unless the rest of the room wanted a free show.

"...Dude. Even your goddamn calendar has a busty chick on it...You sure you're not secretly an Inuzuka?" Kiba held up a fist. "You have whisker marks on your face." one finger. "You have hormones all over the damn place, and you're twelve." two fingers. "And you suck at book work." three fingers held up.

The scene changed to Sakura spazzing at her mom.

"...Wow, forehead...You have enough space in there to fit _two_ angry girls!" Ino pointed out. "...Seriously, though...I'll refer you to Tou-chan. That sort of thing isn't healthy."

"Urusei! Your stomach has enough space to fit two _pigs_."

Jiraiya pointed to Sakura. "Point to green eyes, for the nastiest insult...Round two, fighto!"

Tsunade struck him.

He went flying, and hit a wall.

Tsunade then realized, that Jiraiaya had been faking his own injury, to avoid actually getting hurt, for several decades.

She was, in short, impressed.

He played himself off as less monstrously powerful than he truly was, by acting like a buffoon.

By this point, the scene had changed to the classroom. Ino and Sakura had entered.

"...Why do you like Sakura, anyways?" Tenten asked Naruto.

"She's pretty, and kind, and gentle, and -"

Right on cue, Sakura shoved Naruto out of the way, onto the floor, and stared adoringly at Sasuke.

"...Mendokuse..."

Chouji jumped. Looking between Naruto and Shikamaru, he couldn't tell who spoke first.

They had slumped in the same manner, framed their faces with the same fingers...

"Mendokuse." Chouji stated, joining in.

Ino paused the scene, just as Naruto perched himself up before Sasuke.

"Just pointing out...This is going to end badly."

"Huh?" Naruto scratched his head. "I don't see how..."

She hit play.

The pair promptly locked lips.

She hit pause again.

And stared at him.

"..." He stared at the screen.

"..." Sasuke stared at the far wall.

"..." Sakura stared at the screen. Blushing.

"..." Naruto stared at the ceilling.

"...You were saying?" the flirty Yamanaka prodded.

She then gracefully hit play.

"...You know, in that situation, I probably _would_ have hurt you..." Sasuke remarked. "But...It's completely pointless for them to delude themselves into thinking they're entitled to do so."

"You will all be in a group of three, where you will accomplish missions under a Jounin teacher."

Sasuke twitched, knowing his chances of avoiding a fangirl were grim.

"Seriously, Sakura. That 'inner' persona? It means you're going insane."

Hiruzen sighed. "Par for the course of a Shinobi's life, I'm afraid. Having a secondary persona will prove useful, potentially, as a Genjutsu counter."

"But what about the chance of someone going completely nuts?" Chouji began munching on a fistful of cashews.

The Hokage pointed at Asuma. "It's a job requirement, at his level."

In short order, Team Seven was announced.

"You crazy, old man? That team's completely out of wack!" Asuma bellowed.

"Iruka makes the teams." Hiruzen puffed on his pipe.

"Start fixing them."

"8th group. Hyuuga Hinata. Inuzuka Kiba. Aburame Shino."

Kurenai scowled. "I do _not_ approve of that grouping!"

"Under what circumstances?" the Hokage asked, sighing.

"Their personalities clash too much!"

"10th group. Yamanaka Ino. Nara Shikamaru. And...Akimichi Chouji."

Itaichi paused it. "I will now point out, that this is one of many points at which we may diverge from this supposed future...The more we diverge, the less we can predict the repercussions, but, likewise, the less we act, the fewer options are presented to us."

It was quickly decided to finish the episode with minimal interference.

'But...Even if I wanted to seduce him, my figure is below average.'

"You have a charming, wide forehead. It makes me want to kiss it."

Even though they had agreed to stay quiet... "HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK!" Ino exclaimed, recoiling. She hit her head off the wall.

Sasuke did much the same thing.

Though, he may have intended to do so.

"What do you think of Naruto?"

"He's just annoying."

Naruto paused it. "Neh, Sasuke."

"Hn?"

"How expensive is this wall?"

"The whole thing is about 35000 ryo."

Naruto promptly punched a hole in the wall.

'I let my guard down.'

Everyone stared at the screen. If Sasuke was bound...Then...

"Sasuke-kun is such a shy guy. I wonder if he needs to settle his feelings."

Sasuke's face met the firm, unforgiving floor, chiseled out decades previously.

"I'm going to act out an evil Sasuke, and make Sakura-chan hate him."

Sakura choked.

"So _that's_ why Sasuke-kun has been so cold!"

Naruto shook his head violently.

"You're annoying."

"That's still Naruto..." Sakura seethed.

"Nope." Ino pointed at the screen, as it showed Naruto climbing off the can.

"...But...But..."

"I'm going in first!"

Naruto facepalmed. "...I could just dispel them..."

Shikamaru laughed.

"Naruto no Baka!"

Kakashi sighed. "...I think I know what team I'll end up with, in this timeline..."

"Sasuke, the one from the Uchiha Clan, is also going to be in your group."

"...Yep..."

"YOU?!" Naruto turned to him. "...That book! You're a pervert!"

He nodded.

"...Just clearing the air on that, really. With that outta the way..." Naruto posed dramatically "Teach me some cool Jutsu, sensei!"

"...I'm not your sensei, yet."

"But-"

"Naruto-kun." The Hokage caught everyone's attention. "We will be changing several things. The teams are not set in stone."

"This milk expired a while ago. He's going to get a stomachache if he drinks this."

Turning to face the screen, Naruto facepalmed. "Damnit, of all the days to drink milk, I had to give in on the day we're assigned teams!"

Tenten poked him in the head. "Then don't do it this time around."

He blinked.

"...That makes sense..."

Itaichi, Hiruzen, Kisame, and Kirabi sat together at a table. The others lay out on a variety of fuuton, eating and drinking. In some cases, more heavily than others.

"To explain this hierarchy, firstly..." Itaichi began, cutting off any rising queries. "...Hiruzen-sama represents the Shinobi from the leaf. Kisame is my partner, and his advice is valuable. Kirabi-san represents Kumogakure's interests."

Hiruzen nodded. "I see...What bears foremost discussion?"

He left it open, as a means of levelling the field. It was clear that Itaichi and himself led things, and so it was, in his views, important to give the other two a chance to voice themselves.

"Itaichi-san. When are we introduced?"

"Much later, Kisame...The only current actions that could cause problems regarding Akatsuki, would be our desertion, or a tactical strike upon them...Of course, the death of a Jinchuuriki, or a Bijuu, would hinder their plans for a further decade."

They shook their heads, deciding to save that idea for later.

Kirabi spoke, hesitantly. "...Err, I don't see why I'm here, yet..."

Itaichi nodded slightly. "Kisame and I are members of a certain group, with goals involving other individuals, with certain abilities."

"Yo, dawg, what you mean?"

Kisame grinned, his appearance much akin to a shark. "Akatsuki, the Red Dawn group of Mercenary Shinobi, is hunting Jinchuuriki, the containers of the nine most powerful beings on the face of the earth..."

"Shit, man

Fuckin' dastardly plan!

What's the aim o' the scam?

How's it gonna be worth all the jam?"

Itaichi answered. "The leader's goals are clear, though he is not truly in control of the entire scheme...His plan is to create a super weapon, and force peace upon the entire world, through absolute terror."

Hiruzen lit his pipe. "...I don't suppose that I've misplaced my tobacco, have I?"

"Doubtful, Sandaime-sama. Nor is your hearing impaired."

"...Someone truly wishes to attempt such a plan?"

"Yup." Kisame butted in, handing him a pamphlet.

"What the hell?" Naruto called out. He was quickly quieted by Kakashi's baleful glare.

Kirabi pointed to the nine Genin-to-be. "If y'all gonna use the ultimate cheat-sheet on life, don't take a guess, man, craft teams the best!"

"And how would you suggest we do this?" Hiruzen raised an eyebrow.

Kirabi's voice lowered, as he channeled his Bijuu. "Keep watching. You'll see what they're capable of, into the future, and can decide based on that...Though, predicting for more than a year would be a bad idea. Too much can change in that amount of time. Six months is probably the safest window."

Kisame shook his head. "Base it around major events. Even on a basic C-rank mission, if someone really screws up, they could die...What about the Chuunin exams? By the end of those, these gakis should all be at Chuunin level."

"In fact, they are supposedly granted the opportunity to participate in the Spring exams...Some training methods might be suggested, additionally, based upon what they seem to excel in." the elder Uchiha loaded Episode 4.

"Perhaps we should limit ourselves to two hours of this...Show, per day." the Hokage offered, puffing deeply. Too damn much to process, in too little time.

Itaichi grumbled.

The dignified Butcher Of His Clan, Uchiha Almighty, S-Ranked Missing Ninja Uchiha Itaichi, grumbled.

Sasuke choked on a single grain of rice.


End file.
